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The things I 've said

Apr 08, 2014 12:15 pm | Janice Huser

At this time seven years ago, I was over eight months pregnant, anticipating the birth of my first child. Never in a million years would I have predicted the many random things that have since come out of my mouth, especially lately with a three-year-old and nearly-seven-year-old in the house.

There are a lot of things that people warn you about when you are expecting your first child. Such as the never-ending sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the emotional rollercoaster of seeing your child fail and succeed, and the list goes one.

But, there are also a lot of things people don’t warn new parents about, and maybe there’s a reason for that.

The other day, I caught myself saying something to my three-year-old that I never envisioned saying to anyone – ever – and it made me laugh. What I said probably isn’t even appropriate to write in this column. Although it was quite innocent given the circumstances, I feel like it may have been one of those you-had-to-be-there moments.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said “maybe you shouldn’t put your hands in your pants,” or “stop putting that (insert random item) in your (insert random body part),” I’m sure I would be rich.

I know I have a mental list of the many random and often hilarious things both my sons have said to me over the past few years, but it’s truly amazing when you catch yourself saying some of these ridiculous things too.

I’ve also caught myself screaming at the top of my lungs like a maniac, as both kids ran full-speed down our icy driveway and toward the road. I’m sure the entire subdivision heard my panicked (and angry) yells. Sure enough, the yells didn’t really solve the problem, as the youngest tripped, slid on his knees and nearly face planted on the ice.

There’s also not much that beats the feeling of confusion, as you look at your beautiful, innocent child and say “please don’t lick me,” only to get a giggle and a sweet little smile in return, followed by another slobbery lick to the arm.

I grew up with three brothers, so catching myself saying, “Why did you kick your brother in the face?” multiple times within 24 hours doesn’t surprise me quite as much as some of the other things I’ve said.

At least these random words don’t hurt anyone physically, because one thing you really don’t get used to is the sound of your child legitimately being hurt by the random actions children do, such as sliding around and wrapping themselves up in blankets, after being told numerous times not to do it.

The moment you hear one of them gasp for air, followed by both of them crying (one because he knows he’s in trouble, the other because his chin is already swelling and turning purple) is the type of thing you can’t prepare for. And in times like those, there really are no random words to spout out loud.

The other night, I posted a status on Facebook asking people to share the most random things they’ve said to their children. And, it’s nice to know I’m not alone as a bewildered parent.

Here’s a taste of what some parents admitted saying to their children. I laughed out loud for quite a few of these: “Stop licking my leg” ; “Don't lick your shoe” ; “Don't stand on the baby” ; “When I told you to put on clean underwear, I meant take the dirty ones off first” ; “No, you don't need to eat off the floor like a dog” ; “Get off your sister’s face,” and one of my favourites, “The gypsies took your suckies.”

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